


Finding Your Way Home

by sunlightonwater (TFA_finn_poe_shipper)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Denial of Feelings, First Kiss, Force-Sensitive Finn, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 15:44:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8997001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TFA_finn_poe_shipper/pseuds/sunlightonwater
Summary: After his apprentice Finn passes his trials to become a Knight of Ren, Kylo does everything to avoid thinking about the other man. He fails miserably, but is rewarded when they are reunited after a long separation.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [terabient](https://archiveofourown.org/users/terabient/gifts).



> This is a gift for the wonderful Terabient for the Finnlo Secret Santa challenge. They provided the following prompt that was the inspiration for this fic "Severe pining on Kylo's part; he tries to convince himself that he's better without Finn but just ends up missing him even more."
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

The first time Kylo realized he was in love with Finn was when the man talked back to him.

Kylo’s eyebrows furrowed as his head leaned back sharply; his gloved hands were clenched by his side. 

“I don’t recall asking you, Apprentice”.

The younger man with deep brown eyes and normally friendly smile now locked eyes with the Master of the Knights of Ren. His usually gentle face now looked like he is ready for a challenge. In response to Kylo’s statement he only raises a single brow.

The older man takes a shaky breath as he tries to decide how to handle his Apprentice’s actions. 

This was not something Kylo Ren was used to, back talk. He was more accustomed to people bending to his will without question. Except for the insufferable General Hux and his Master the Supreme Leader, Kylo did not have to explain himself often. 

However, the young man before him was different. He supposes it was one of the reasons he had invested so much time on him in the first place.   
-  
Kylo could still recall that day he first arrived on the Starkiller base that was still under construction. He had just succeeded in a mission from the Supreme Leader to wipe out a band of smugglers who were rumored to work for the Hutts. The Hutts were a ruthless group that had maintained power since long before the birth of the Galactic Empire. Now, thanks to Kylo’s prowess in battle, they have suffered a major defeat resulting in a significant shift of power. 

As a reward, his master allowed him to choose one out fifteen men and women who were found to have various levels force sensitivity. Between those before him, some were pilots, some fully fledged Stormtroopers, and a few were minor officers, but out of all of those with distinguished careers there was only one that stood out.   
FN-2187. 

At the time, he was an 18-year-old cadet who was at the top of his class. He was viewed as displaying a lot of potential, but was flagged for having “levels of empathy that were unnecessary for combat” per Captain Phasma. 

Kylo quickly understood just how much potential this young man had the moment he walked up to him. All fifteen of the prospects were lined up in a row, and it didn’t take a force user to sense the deep stentch of fear that was radiating from the group. 

Many would not meet his eyes and a few even took a step back as he stalked up and down the line. One of the pilots fell to his knees as his shaking legs were no longer able to support him. This was not the case with FN-2187. 

It was a surprise when he stopped in front of the trooper, and the man met his eyes with a calm and steady gaze. Not only that, the man did not radiate fear it was something else…curiosity perhaps. It was an unexpected development.

His full body armor was not meant to make someone feel curious about it. He could sense that FN-2187’s curiosity wasn’t even directed towards his helmet or lightsaber, but at the man underneath the mask.

It was at this moment that Kylo’s decision was made.   
-  
Returning his thoughts to the present, Kylo felt both annoyance and excitement at choosing the man who now goes by the name Finn, as his apprentice. It was no small comfort that he had beside him a power force user with a near perfect balance of the light and dark sides of the force. How the other man manages it Kylo will never know. Not only that, he enjoys the fact that he can seek out the counsel of his apprentice that was not afraid to question his methods.

His apprentice was a brilliant strategist and often was a perfect balance to his own impulsiveness. It wasn’t until a few months ago that he accepted that all his positive thoughts towards his feisty apprentice was not all professional. That was what made the current situation so difficult. 

“I am ready for the trials, Master Kylo. I am ready to become a Knight of Ren”, Finn argued, “At this very moment I am the most invaluable person under your command… but for some reason you refuse to release me as your apprentice”. 

When the words “release me” fell from Finn’s lips, Kylo felt like he was kicked in the gut. He knew what Finn was telling him was true…. but…. he just wasn’t ready to let go yet. 

As much as Kylo wasn’t to explain the cause of his hesitancy he knew he could delay things no further. His apprentice was correct after all. However, as a Knight of Ren, Finn would be expected to go on long missions across the galaxy. It was likely they wouldn’t see other for months or years at a time. Kylo refused to wonder if that was the root of his hesitancy. 

Kylo stared at the floor for a few moments. He wasn’t sure exactly what he was looking for, but when he raised his face to look at Finn again he knew the choice was clear.   
\-------  
His apprentice easily passed his trial, and Kylo couldn’t have been prouder to gift to Finn the title of ‘Ren’. Not even two weeks passed before orders from the Supreme Leader sent Finn on a mission to infiltrate a branch of the Republic government. 

During the time Finn was away, Kylo tried to convince himself that now he was free from the responsibility of having an apprentice, that he could fully dedicate himself to his own training. So, he spent all his time to this end. He often would go days without food and after long days of training he would be drenched in sweat. Droplets ran down his bare chest as his swung his lightsaber to perfection again and again. 

Kylo often felt run down, but he had to keep moving. He had to stay busy. The consequence for not doing this lead to his mind wandering to Finn. He would wonder what the younger man was doing, what he was thinking, and who was he with. 

It was the last thought that bothered him the most. Kylo often told himself that he did not care what company, if any, his former apprentice kept. Kylo himself on a few occasions sought the company of a companion to join him in bed, but before things would get physical he hesitated. Each time he told himself it was to keep himself from getting attached. He refused to attach himself to anyone not worthy to rule the galaxy at his side.

So, he continued to train. All the while he lied to himself that he was progressing farther without Finn holding him back, but as more time passed Kylo felt weak and his spirit felt numb. 

One night, he entered Finn’s quarters and although he wasn’t sure what he was looking for, he felt at ease as soon as he stepped through the door. The room was orderly as always, and as Kylo laid on Finn’s large bed, he realized the sheets still had the faint smell of the man as well. Perhaps it was because Finn was raised on Starkiller base, but the man had a scent that gave him memories of dark and snowy nights.

He tried to call the power of the darkness to him to strengthen him from this pain, but his soul felt no relief. That night, as he clung to Finn’s pillow Kylo cried himself to sleep. 

In a near answer to his unspoken prayers, the next day Kylo received word that Finn’s mission was a success. He would be returning in ten standard days.   
Kylo felt something flutter in his stomach and he couldn’t suppress the grin that formed on his face. Rushing to his own quarters Kylo did something he hadn’t done in 5 months, look in a mirror. There a large beard, red eyes, and blotchy cheeks stared back at him. 

He looked a mess. 

Feeling the need to present himself as a Master should, Kylo took the time to clean himself up. He was so lost in his thoughts about Finn he didn’t notice he was humming a soft tune the mother of Ben Solo used to sing to comfort him as a child.  
-  
The day that Finn returned, Kylo was still a few pounds underweight, but he felt like he had a new-found confidence. All the power that he felt had left him had returned and he felt stronger. As he made the trek to the landing pad, his heart rate increased as he played several scenarios in his mind. 

He decided to hide his feelings for now, so that Finn wouldn’t judge his minor lapse of dignity. 

The first thing Kylo noticed was that Finn looked like he hadn’t been eating as well either. His face displayed his usual confidence, but something about him seemed anxious. 

Kylo bit his lip as his former apprentice approached before steeling his expression. Finn stopped directly in front of him and looked up at his former master expectedly. Gazing into his eyes that were framed by his long lashes Kylo sighed and he stole a glance at Finn’s lips. 

Not missing the change in Kylo’s gaze, Finn stepped forward. His hands were clasped behind his back, which was his tell that he was calculating something in his mind.   
Before Kylo could finish the phrase “Welcome back”, Finn’s lips were on his. 

The unexpected kiss was electric, and initially Kylo stiffened before he quickly melted into the younger man. He wasn’t the only one affected, as he had to reach out and wrap his arms around his fellow Knight when Finn’s knees buckled. Mid-kiss Kylo took off his glove and rested a hand of Finn’s cheek. 

Feeling confident that his feelings were reciprocated, Kylo deepened the kiss. He was rewarded by a deep groan against his lips. His mind felt clear and his heart opened in a way he had never experienced before. 

He was reminded of a few words of wisdom Ben Solo’s mother said when Ben was 17 years old, “You’ll know you found love when seeing that person makes you feel like you’ve finally come home after a long day”.

Kylo leaned back and rubbed a thumb over the swollen lips of his Finn. The younger man looked at him expectedly with a look of adoration and anticipation. This moment felt like a miracle, after so many years of always feeling lost in the vacuum of space. 

He found home.


End file.
